I realize that one of my personality weaknesses is the lack of consistency, or lack of discipline.  Usually I have great zeal and passion when I first start a project.  If the project itself requires repetition and doing the same task on a regular daily basis, I loose my steam in quick time.  I enjoy variety, changes, and dynamics interactions.

But life is not always like that.  Majority of life is made out of routine, regularity, and slow, steady progress.

Not having worked outside of home also spoiled me and spared me from the necessary consequence of laziness and an undisciplined life.  Sigh.

So for example, I started a challenge of reading one book a day a few weeks ago.  After reading two in a roll, I lost my steam and have really stalled my book reading progress.  With my tendency of easily distracted and forgetfulness, I have actually completely forgot about his goal I set a few weeks ago, until this afternoon… So I picked up another good book once again, hoping to get it going anew.

I live to learn, always expanding.  Life is about growth and I want to grow well.

Lord I look to You

Teach me to look up when I am down.  Give me courage to not give up, not give in, and not let go of Your promises

Teach me to remember all Your faithfulness and kindness when I am near the storms of life.  I have found the place of peace and strength whenever I look to You.  So even now, I close my eyes and breath Your nearness in to let life and grace enter my inner most part.

You are my rock.  You are steadfast One.  You are my Friend who will never let go.  You don’t let go and You won’t let down.  You hold me in the psalm in Your hand and You will never let me fall.  Though people and circumstances always change, there is One who is constant and there is One who is trustworthy.  Even tonight, I stand on the assurance that my best friend on high is best friend for life.  Through mountain top and valley low, there is a friend who is closer than a brother and He will never walk out of my life, no matter how weak and overwhelm I feel.  The reality is I have one on high fighting for my destiny and fighting for love to be completed in me.

So I stretch out my hands and look up to heaven, where my help comes from.  Let Your love wash over the pain of yesteryears.  Let love start to flow into every emptiness in this heart.  The wonderful thing about feeling empty is that there is plenty of space in my heart for Your holy, all consuming love to fill it up.  Set a flame a holy fire in my heart, a passion that once will set me on the right path and set my foot running on the path You have set out for me to run on before the foundation of the world.  Clear the clouds and part the grey sky above me.  Let me hear the cheers all the heavenly has started for me.  Let me hear the affectionate declaration that here I am, Your beloved, and You will not let me go until the day of finish line.

Teach me to make my life count.  Teach me what and how to walk with Holy Spirit my best friend.  Even in a dark night of my soul, I am turning to You, the savior of my soul.  Give me vision so I can see things like You do.  Give me wisdom so I know how to start and how to continue.

When I am overwhelmed, I am leaning into Your arm.  Though I sleep, my heart is awake, come pass through my dreams and leave traces of Your fingerprints all over my mind and heart.  There is nothing as holy as the hush of waking up to a dream from heaven.  Let it be tonight as I go and lay my head down.

There is a flow of tears that seem to be unceasing.  But I know there is an end to this.  Dawn will always come, after a long night of darkness.  As long as darkness is around, more precious and brighter is the morning rays breaking forth.  I am awaiting, my redeemer.

Starting the blog again is like meeting an old friend.  Reconnecting always brings back certain memory, reflection, and sometimes examination.  It’s a good process for growth.  It’s also good for the soul – to look back and remember.

I want to remind myself that little by little, daily entry becomes a consistent blog.  I also want to remind myself that day by day, no matter how hopeless some situations may seem to be, help will always come.  I think I wrote in my journal a few days ago – no matter how long the dark night is, dawn will eventually come.

The beauty of being older is having perspective on life that otherwise couldn’t gain.  I remember in the younger days whenever I felt rather really really blue, when I barely had enough resolve to face yet another wave of despair, having complete changes, and quick changes for the circumstances to turn around, was all I could think of.  However, these days I find myself doing a lot of mental challenges to my own thinking – instead of focusing on the difficulty or the overwhelming sense of helplessness, I tell myself to look further and to be patient.  Looking at the rhythm of life and the consistent record of God’s goodness, I know that light really is at the end of the tunnel.  The key is to keep walking toward that direction and not give up.

Not giving up has becoming an increasing virtue that I admire.  I heard a phrase last month – that many in the world were given the potential to be a champion.  But most didn’t make it because they rarely had the discipline to give themselves to the training.  To me, the training is no longer for the outward performance or accomplishment.  The goal is to live a “not wasted” life.  Don’t waste time idly.  Don’t waste my opportune moments with my family.  Don’t want to waste moments when I could have make an impact to bring kindness and warmth to people in and out of my life.  In doing so, maybe I have trained myself to grow in soul and spirit to expand and to learn.

So, to start blogging again is in itself a training for me.  To write, to ponder, and to give a part of me into the unknown world out there takes courage.  So it is good.

Hello, the blog world.  Hope our hearts connect in a meaningful way in the days to come.

There is a place that’s the realm of beauty and glory beyond, where shimmering gold and blinding pure white are within my eyesight and the sound of sheer havenly music with light that radiats life and colors are all around.  I am running to that place of golden light, on earth as it is in heaven.  I am reaching for that open heaven because I believe you have made a way for me to enter in, the realm of your presence.

Maker of beauty, Creator of wonder, and the Holder of my heart, would you open wide the door and let me soar into the height that goes straight to the throne room of beauty, of glory, of GOD.

Let me find unspeakable with my eyes, ears, and senses.  Let me peek into the joy, fullness thereof, and the sound of music that’s taking place in eternity.  Break away from time, space and my own limitation, I was made for you, spirit to Spirit.  Oh the vast, beautiful One.

All the movements, all the living colors, all the frequencies, bouncing, shooting, creating and recreating, unceasingly endless – let me in, let me see, let me hear and let me touch.

I long to lay everything down, be a child again, and know LOVE Divine, in the original intend you have for me.  I long to find my cradle in the arms of the almighty.  I want to hear the lalluby you have sung over me.  I want to see the face of JOY, and the face of Suffering, the face of my forever Friend.  My Advocate, My Brother, and My King forever who is my very love, Jesus.  Let nothing stops this explosive flow from deep calls unto deep and from the most innermost part calling out to the furthest nearness.  I want to see the Face I love and be in the Presence where I belong.

hear me tonight oh God.  Open up my dream realm, open up my understanding and my visions.  Let Your glory be seen upon me, let favor unending come upon your beloved daughter tonight.  The mystery of all mysteries, God became a Man, so i a mere man can know and come near God.

it is SO beautiful this morning when I was driving up.. I heard Him whispered to my heart, “my dearly beloved, love is always extravagant. I would paint the sky and cover the ground with beauty and awe to move your heart.. to make you joyful is my delight.. to awaken your heart is my pleasure because love always beckons love and begets love.” I thought about His goodness, love from my family, and this world that we share together as I was overcame by the sound and scenes of nature and creatures all around me.

~Journal Entry From 2/08~
I am siting in front of a majestic mountain with deep blue sea all around the coast lines.  It’s a view that I was familiar with in my high school years.  Civilization has done away much of the natural beauty in the past twenty five years.  Most of the beautiful views I loved only exist in my memory and cannot be found again.  However, Sitting here in a setting that’s rare raw beauty, I find myself lost in words.  My heart is full of thankfulness.

It was this place where God sovereignly brought me into His presence and called me into His Kingdom of light.  What grace and what mercy has been my portion since that moment!  Sitting here I reflect upon His leadership, His wisdom, His loving kindness over my life.  All the promises and work of His hand – these lessons taught me to anchor my soul in His living word and brought me out of all life darkness.  I still remember the moment of my salvation, the real supernatural Presence of God and the waves of peace and love that engulfed my soul!  Somehow coming back to this place gives me a sense of calm that no other place on earth can offer.  After almost twenty five years, I get to come here again with Charles, the words come out of my mouth is still the same – Thank you, Lord, for the great grace of knowing You in this life.

I capture this moment and offer up the sacrifice of wholehearted love to the One who is faithful.